So many posts, only one day

God, I feel like there is so much on my mind right now. I feel like I frickin lost my best friend today after that one post shortly before midnight, but it's true. I needed to kick her out of my circle if i want to move forward. It's not that she brings a lot of drama, it's just that even though I consider her my bestie, I still have days where I feel really lonely--like I'm investing too much time and  energy into the wrong friendships.

Don't get me wrong, she's not horrible. She doesn't yell at me, we've never had a real argument, and as far as I know, she doesn't talk about me behind my back. But she's unreliable. I can't tell her anything. Not because she won't tell anyone, but because she'll forget.  Sometimes I start talking to her, and she doesn't even notice. Then she starts talking about something else.

And I don't want to bring up the money thing with Phi or the lost library book that I had to pay for myself.

She has a lot of growing up to do I guess, and maybe I've grown up too much sot hat we're farther apart. I don't know. I just... I don't feel like we're best friends anymore. Sure, we can laugh at anything, but she does that with everyone because she's such a big kid.

And then there's JB. I can't believe that he would keep something like that a secret from me when I literally pour my heart out to him. He lied to me. He told me he'd never... ugh.. do that again because he was abstinent, but then he goes and tries to fuck the girl he doesn't even like. He calls her a freaking pig. It's like... he wants to know everything about everyone, but he won't let anyone in to talk to him.

I feel like I'm losing friends left and right. Am I too picky? Why is it so hard for me? Have I been here too long?

And guys.

Why. Have. I. Only. Had. One. Boyfriend.

Every conversation I have with friends is about their exes and the different things about them, and I can barely contribute anything to the convo. Am I too shy? What is my problem?

MaybeI should focus on other things like the story I'm trying to write, but the thing is, I can't even remember what I wanted to do with the story from before I went on my little vacation. And I wrote all that ish down. There's something wrong with me. I can't find my inspiration.

I was so excited to come back so that i can be inspired, but all of that has flown out the window.

And I've done the bad habit twice. Twice in like four hours at least. i can't believe myself. I thought I was better than that.

And maybe I should stop beating myself up for things like this, but I have so much on my mind right now. If I don't get it off, I'll never be able to tap into my creativity.

Part of me yearns to return to my childhood days, but even those were filled with lonliness and jealousy of the people around me who were the complete opposite of me. I wish I was someone else right now. I really do.

And maybe that's the root of the whole problem. I'm not comfortable in my own skin.

Failure

Two failures today, and yeah, they do only cme when I'm feeling a tad lonely. Ugh. i have no idea how to fix this.

The Crow and the Butterfly- Awesome Guitar Solo Version

How I Feel Right Now

Every street in this city is the same to me
Everyone's got a place to be, but there's no room for me
Am I to blame when the guilt and the shame hang over me
Like a dark cloud that chases you down in the pouring rain.

It's so hard to find someone who cares about you
But it's easy enough to find someone who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you
When it's easy enough to find someone who looks down on?

It's not what it seems when you're not on the scene there's a chill in the air
But there's people like me that nobody sees
So nobody cares

Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you
When it's easy enough to find someone who looks down on you?
Why is it so hard to find someone who can keep it together when you've come undone
Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you?

I swear this time it won't turn out the same
'cause now I've got myself to blame
And you'll know when we end up on the streets
That it's easy enough to find someone who looks down on you

Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you
When it's easy enough to find someone looks down you?
Why is it so hard to find someone who can keep it together when you've come undone?
Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you?

-Three Days Grace, "Someone Who Cares"

---------

Tonight my head is spinning

I need something to pick me up

I've tried, nothing is working

I won't stop

I won't say I've had enough

Tonight, I start the fire. 

Tonight, I break away

Break away from everybody

Break away from everything 

If you can't stand the way this place is

Take yourself to higher places

At night, I feel like a vampire

It's not right, but I just can't give it up

I'll try to get myself higher

Let's go

We're gonna light it up

Tonight we start the fire

Tonight we break away

Break away from everybody

Break away from everything

If you can't stand the way this place is

Take yourself to higher places

If you can't stand the way this place is

Take yourself to higher places

Break away from everybody

Break away from everything

If you can't stand the way this place is

Take yourself to higher places

Higher places

To higher places

Higher places

Take yourself to higher places

-Three Days Grace, "Break"

Fuck You Too Then

I can't believe it. Period. How could someone so nice and sweet be so cold and callous? Does she not realized that her nonchalance and irresponsibility could have ruined a trip that we all worked so hard to perfect? Phi spent all of her extra money on her share of the hotel room, so she didn't have money for food or transportation. She couldn't help with the tip, the cab, or anything like that. Phi was broke, and I--K's so called best friend--had to chip in and make sure Phi could eat.

And what does K do?

She ignores our messages, our phone calls, deletes the wall post we put on her facebook asking where she was. What's she going to do? Pretend she never got any of that stuff? Bullshit.

So much for being best friends when she stoops as low to forget my calls. Fuck her. If there was one thing I was sad about leaving behind when I went to New Hampshire, it was her--my best friend, but she's just too irresponsible and I'm sick and tired of paying for her crap. The lost library book that I had to pay for because she lost it and would not pay it. When she ditched me and my family at the beach when she promised to come, and now she owes Phi 105 dollars. I should have seen it coming. I should have, after the first time ,and deep down I knew she wasn't coming.

But as her best friend, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But no more. She will no longer receive favors and charity from me. I don't care what she says, how much she begs, and if she talks to me. In fact, now she rarely talks to me on her own time. She's never the first to text me. Sure, she called me last week, but it was only to tell me she saw someone she knew. I'm tired of being a better friend to her than she is to me. I'm tired of being taken advantage of by her even if she doesn't realize her behaviors.

But I know one thing. She knows that she did something wrong this weekend and it cost Phi 105 dollars. That's why she deleted that status, ignored our calls, and our messages. That's why she tried to ignore me when I told her to call Phi today. She doesn't care that Phi didn't have any money while we were in Myrtle Beach or that Phi earned that money herself. She's selfish, immature, and a bad friend, and I don't want someone like her as a friend.

Five years my ass. She better not ask me for a damned thing.

Bad failure today. I'm not seeing much improvement. Maybe ugh... Maybe if I could figure out why. I mean, normally  I think I o it only when I feel lonely, but today... Well, the thoughts did come up while I was left alone again... and I was left a lot today so I  guess that would explain... I dunno. Yesterday, the Anita Blake novel did stop me from making another one. Maybe that's the key. In which case, I should go ahead and buy the next book, but if I do buy it, I know I won't be sleeping tonight. I need to sleep. I have a dentist appointmenti n the AM. In the meantime, I  want to work on a hobby and improve my writing skills for Dartmouth.

I know I've said this a lot, but I'm serious about writing everyday. I just have to write. Don't plan it, just write. That will unleash my creativity.

Summer Reading List

1. All of the Anita Blake Novels
2. Reread the HP series
3. The Millennium Trilogy
4. The Scent of Shadows
5. Dead Witch Walking
6. The Dresden Files

fail

It sucks

I didn't have a good day today. It just felt like nobody cared. I've been stuck in the house for almost a full week. No one's texted to ask if I want to do anything, people haven't been responding to my texts, and I rarely get any wall posts on facebook. I'm beginning to feel like a loser and it sucks.

Ugly

Are you ugly?

A liar like me?

A user?

A lost soul?

Someone you don't know?

Money, it's no cure

A sickness so pure

Are you like me?

Are you ugly?

We are dirt

We are alone

You know we're far from sober

We are fake

We are afraid

You know it's far from over

We are dirt

We are alone

You know we're from from sober

Look closer

Are you like me?

Are you ugly?

Turn a blind eye

Why do I deny?

Medicate me 

So I die happy

A strain of cancer

Chokes the answers

Are you like me?

A liar like me?

We are dirt

We are alone

You know we're far from sober

We are fake

We are afraid

You know it's far from over

We are dirt

We are alone 

You know we're far from sober

Look closer

Are you like me

Are you ugly?

I don't care

You don't care

I've been there

You're angry

You don't care

I don't care

You love you 

Just like me

I blame you

You blame me

I've been there

You're angry

You don't care

I don't care

You love you

Like me

We are dirt

We are alone

You know we're far from sober

We are fake

We are afraid

You know it's far from over

We are dirt

WE are alone

You know we're far from sober

Look closer

Are you like me?

Are you ugly?

Are you ugly?

Are you ugly?

-The Exies

Failure

Let's just say I've had three consecutive failures this week. One was a half failure actually.

Today

Today, I plan to spend the day mirroring. Once I'm done, I'll move on to reading so that I can finish the Book of Spies.

Dance With the Devil

Here I Stand

Helpless  and left for dead

Close your eyes 

So many days go by

Easy to find what's wrong

Harder to find what's right

I believe in you.

I can show you that I can see right through all your empty lies

I won't stay long in this world so wrong

Say goodbye

As we dance with the devil tonight

Don't you dare look at him in the eye

As we dance with the devil tonight

Trembling

Crawling across my skin

Feeling your cold dead eyes

Stealing the life of mine

I  believe in you

I can show you that I can see right through all your empty lies

I won't last long 

In this world so wrong

Say goodbye

As we dance with the devil tonight

Don't you dare look at him in the eye

As we dance with the devil tonight

Hold on

Hold on

Say goodbye

As we dance with the devil tonight

Don't you dare look at him in the eye

As we dance with the devil tonight

Hold on

Hold on

--Breaking Benjamin

Best Summer Ever *'10

This is going to be the best summer ever. I know, I know. I've been out of school and officially on summer break for a month, but it hit me today that this was going to be the best summer.

I'm going to the beach with friends.
Seeing Shinedown in concert <3
And I have Dartmouth to look forward to in the fall.

I can't wait.

New Writing Ideas

So I'm in the process of coming up with some new ideas. The only problem is, it's just so difficult. I don't know where to begin, and I'm afraid, as always, that once I get the idea, it'll seem great for a week or two, and then I'll just dump it like I always do.

How do you maintain interest?

I don't know, but I'll find out.

Right now, I know the gist of what I want. I want some kind of adventure reminscent of Avatar: The Last Airbender and Golden Sun/Golden Sun: The Lost Age. Maybe even throw a few Harry Potter-esque elements in such as a boarding school setting. I don't know. Maybe I'll think it through while I take a shower.

To Do List

-Writing Placement Test
-Pick DOC trip
-Free Write  for fifteen minutes
-Read at least 50 pages of  The Book of Spies
-Catch DJD up in length & Get DJ to the classroom
-Find the last few pictures. Get the songs for the present

A Work in Progress

I read some of my older blog posts to take my mind off of my bad habit, and I realized I haven't even almost completed any of the goals on my new year's resolution list. Let me refresh your memory.

-Write everyday
-Rock out
-Quit cold turkey.

I've made some progress, I guess, but I'm not where I hoped I would be merely six months ago. I will consider this a reminder of the path I chose for myself at the start of this year, and slowly, I will pave my own road as I go forth.

I've really been slacking on the "write everyday" resolution though. Every day I add "write a short story" to my to do list, and it rarely gets crossed off. If I want to write a novel, then I need to improve my writing/organization skills. That'll never happen if I never write. If I use research and planning as my excuse for not free writing. So as of right now I will change all of that.
-----

Now that that is taken care of, let's move on to the next thing on my mind: the ex. We broke up the summer before sophomore year, and now I ask, is it weird for him to want me to wear the necklace he gave me? I mean, he's got a new girlfriend--my sister's friend. And sometimes I find myself wishing they'd break up. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. I regret breaking up with him, and now I want him back. Before, I was too stubborn to do it, but now... I don't know. Sometimes I feel like he still has feelings for me.  The necklace, texting me all the time about how he doesn't want me to forget him, etc. He even let me sign his yearbook first. Plus, when we went to the beach, I heard my sister ask him what he wanted in his relationship. He said he didn't know.

That was the day he asked me if he was my first boyfriend.
And the day he asked me to always wear his necklace.

He is confusing me, and I don't like being confused. Although I believe I still have feelings for him, I do not think that I would take him back simply because it would be a long term relationship. Also, I think right now I truly need to be single.

-----

And the final thing on my mind:

I started a new roleplay last night. It started out fine, but in all honesty, my new partner can't write to save her life. I can tell she doesn't put much effort into her characters because they do whatever my characters do. For example, when I said that my female character stabbed her male character with the fork, she automatically started trying to antagonize my male character. She kept emphasizing that she got in his face. In fact, she's said that like three posts in a row. It's ridiculous.

I need a partner who is creative. Not someone who creates characters with no personally. When it comes to roleplaying, I'll be the first to admit that I am picky which is probably why I only have one ongoing roleplay at the moment, and if I had met her for the first time today, we probably wouldn't be roleplaying either. =/ Maybe. It depends on how much she's changed roleplay wise as well. She has a fair chance. I really love roleplay with her. She creates good characters, thinks of good ideas, and she's fun to talk to about everyday things. =)

-----

Well, I think that's about it for tonight. I can't really think of anything else I would like to talk about. I hope that this took the urge away. If not, I'll be writing about my failure to hold back immediately after. :P Let's hope that doesn't happen.

-Au Revoir <3

To Do List

I forgot to make one earlier. =)

-Find pictures & screenies for present
-Catch DJ senior up with DJ
-Finally freewrite

It just hit me

It just hit me. Two weeks ago, I graduated from high school, and this fall I will be in college. I will go on DOC trips, and ultimately, I will be away from all of my friends and family. Oh my God, I can't believe it. The mailing we received today about DOC trips made everything feel so real. It's not a dream; it's not something I can put off anymore.

Putting of anything will make my first year suck.

And to top it all off, I am in an Ivy League school. Wow. I never thought I could make it. I never thought I would make it. Not after I read that book "Good Enough" and realized how difficult it was to accomplish what I have accomplished. I realized that, judging by my scores and classes, there was no way I'd be admitted. But I did it. I defeated all the odds, and now I will be going to The Big Green this September.

I can not wait. :)

To do List

-Clean the kitchen
-Write: two quotes, completed freewrite for ten each
-Present: get the screenies
-Mirror: catch DJD up with DJ

I have made my decision... kind of

Okay, so in my last post about five minutes ago I said I was deciding between French, Spanish, and Latin. Taking a new language at Dartmouth sounds scary, and I think it'd be beneficial to me if I simply built on the foundations I started working on in high school. IE: Spanish and French. Which language I choose ultimately depends on what I get on the Spanish placement test since there isn't one for French. I would hate to have to start all the way over with Spanish 1 for the third time, but if I place in Spanish 2 I will will be a happy dog.

Epic Failure

I had two failures today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I swore I'd give it up, but I couldn't even last one day. Is it because I'm lonely? Am I becoming addicted to the pleasure? Maybe I was just bored. I remember beings bored right before I started. Then I typed a few special words into Delicious, and it all went downhill from there.

If this keeps up, I may need help. My goal is to quit before I get to Dartmouth in September.

Speaking of Dartmouth, we received our mailing today! I'm browsing the courses for this fall right now, trying to decide if I want to stick with French, return to Spanish, or switch to Latin. I have no idea. This is indecisiveness at it's worst.

Back to the subject of epic fails, I don't think I accomplished one thing on the to-do list I created yesterday, so I will start again. They're basically the same though. =)

To Do List for June 4th:
-Read
-Mirror 
-Present
-Write
-Think of places to  apply I thought of them, and applied to the ones online/saved the ones I need to print: Subway, Coldstone, Movie Theater by the the house, CiCis

Six. Three. Ten To Do List

-Write something that doesn't have to do with the roleplay
-Start on her birthday present/ Decide what I want to do for it. It's in between a Twilight Parody, and a bunch of horrible intros found of Neopets/ Things we dislike but love to criticize
-Work on the mirror
-Read
-Find online applications to fill out.

I'm Back and I'm Proud

So, I'm back, and I have officially graduated from high school as of May 25th. It still hasn't hit me yet, but maybe writing this down will speed the process. Knowing my luck, it won't hit me until I start school at Dartmouth--still can't believe I was accepted there. Wow. Anyway, there's a lot I want to do this summer, and if things keep going the way they're going I won't accomplish anything.

 Back in the day when I wrote in my blog everyday, I used to make to-do list, so that's what I'm going to do today. This post will contain my to-do list for the summer, and I will post another issue detailing the things I would like to accomplish today. =)


My Summer To-Do List
-Get my license
-Get a Job
-Get comfortable with the pool
-Read one book a week
-Write a novel
-Write short stories
-Write everyday