God, I feel like there is so much on my mind right now. I feel like I frickin lost my best friend today after that one post shortly before midnight, but it's true. I needed to kick her out of my circle if i want to move forward. It's not that she brings a lot of drama, it's just that even though I consider her my bestie, I still have days where I feel really lonely--like I'm investing too much time and energy into the wrong friendships.
Don't get me wrong, she's not horrible. She doesn't yell at me, we've never had a real argument, and as far as I know, she doesn't talk about me behind my back. But she's unreliable. I can't tell her anything. Not because she won't tell anyone, but because she'll forget. Sometimes I start talking to her, and she doesn't even notice. Then she starts talking about something else.
And I don't want to bring up the money thing with Phi or the lost library book that I had to pay for myself.
She has a lot of growing up to do I guess, and maybe I've grown up too much sot hat we're farther apart. I don't know. I just... I don't feel like we're best friends anymore. Sure, we can laugh at anything, but she does that with everyone because she's such a big kid.
And then there's JB. I can't believe that he would keep something like that a secret from me when I literally pour my heart out to him. He lied to me. He told me he'd never... ugh.. do that again because he was abstinent, but then he goes and tries to fuck the girl he doesn't even like. He calls her a freaking pig. It's like... he wants to know everything about everyone, but he won't let anyone in to talk to him.
I feel like I'm losing friends left and right. Am I too picky? Why is it so hard for me? Have I been here too long?
And guys.
Why. Have. I. Only. Had. One. Boyfriend.
Every conversation I have with friends is about their exes and the different things about them, and I can barely contribute anything to the convo. Am I too shy? What is my problem?
MaybeI should focus on other things like the story I'm trying to write, but the thing is, I can't even remember what I wanted to do with the story from before I went on my little vacation. And I wrote all that ish down. There's something wrong with me. I can't find my inspiration.
I was so excited to come back so that i can be inspired, but all of that has flown out the window.
And I've done the bad habit twice. Twice in like four hours at least. i can't believe myself. I thought I was better than that.
And maybe I should stop beating myself up for things like this, but I have so much on my mind right now. If I don't get it off, I'll never be able to tap into my creativity.
Part of me yearns to return to my childhood days, but even those were filled with lonliness and jealousy of the people around me who were the complete opposite of me. I wish I was someone else right now. I really do.
And maybe that's the root of the whole problem. I'm not comfortable in my own skin.
No comments:
Post a Comment